Seasons of Dryness

It’s been a while since I’ve visited this space.  It’s been too long since I’ve come home to my words.   So much is going on in my life... as with everyone.  We all have our struggles and triumphs.    Life flows at that rapid pace and it seems like a miracle to enjoy moments of peace.  

It’s no surprise to me that since the beginning of Great Lent, I have felt tested on all sides.  Those who seek Christ are an abomination to satan; his fiery darts are plentiful  toward souls aware of sin.   St. John Climacus said, “Let them take courage who are humbled by their passions.  For even if they fall into every pit and are caught in every snare, when they attain health they will become healers, luminaries, beacons and guides to all, teaching about the forms of every sickness and through their own experience saving those who are about to fall...”  If he’s right, maybe I’ll have something to offer others someday.  That IS an encouraging thought. 

The process of being humbled by passions is really ugly.  It involves violence against the soul and not only the one humbled by such passions, but others in their wake.  Passions are hot and furious and invoke haste which most often leads to folly.  They are my downfall  and yet I’m so slow to recognize and destroy it.  In fact, sin is often welcomed and justified.    Yet, if I don’t have internal peace, am I really free?  Can there be true joy apart from God?  How is it that saints could enter the violence of ancient Roman colosseums singing praises to God, while I - who have so much - can be despondent, lacking joy and contentment?

So far, this Lenten experience has brought a time in the desert for me.  A season of dryness; a glimpse into the abyss of my heart with no reprieve.    A time when I wonder where God is and if He will ever grant mercy and grace to my troubled soul.  I’ve been depressed and angry and frustrated and I realize my complaints are nothing when viewed from a world perspective of what others struggle with --- things like hunger or abuse, persecution & civil war.  And that makes me feel guilty and ridiculous on top of it all.   Who am I to complain about a bump in the road of life when others are just trying to survive?!

Trust & Obedience are the companions pulling me through right now.  When periods of loneliness come, I take heart in Psalm 23,  trusting that God is there as my Shepherd, as He has proven to be so many times in the past.  I’m trusting that this trial is temporary  -and beneficial-  and continuing in my prayers and fasting.  I’m holding onto James 4:8 which tells me to draw near to God and He will draw near to me, realizing that this dynamic relationship with the Creator always involves my humility and repentance.  I'm going with what I know to be Truth, in spite of feelings that tempt to lead me astray. 

Disfiguring the Beauty of My Mind

Very soon most of my Christian friends will be celebrating Easter, our Risen Savior and all that is renewing and hopeful about this time of year.  For us Orthodox Christians, our Lenten journey goes a bit further, since we celebrate the glory of Christ’s Resurrection a week from Sunday, on April 15th.   

This year, as in years past, I have read portions of The Canon of St. Andrew to accompany my walk through Great Lent.  Some of the pages are worn and dog-eared, marking the passages that strike a chord deep within.  A few of these I’m sharing here because maybe they’ll touch you, too.  These portions may be even more meaningful to me now since I’m also reading Our Thoughts Determine Our Lives about the life and teachings of Elder Thaddeus of Vitovnica:

I have cared only for the outward adornment, and neglected that which is within--the tabernacle fashioned by God.

Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me.

With my lustful desires I have formed within myself the deformity of the passions and disfigured the beauty of my mind.   

Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me.

I have discolored with the passions the first beauty of the image, O Savior.  But seek me, as once Thou hast sought the lost coin, and find me.

Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me.

Melancholy, by Alphonse Mucha

Such a poignant reminder of how beautifully we are created in the image of God and the extent to which sin disfigures us.  It’s so easy to read and so difficult to recognize the battlefield of the mind.  To be fully aware that our thoughts have origin and that we can choose which thoughts to entertain and which ones to discard immediately.  How often do I jump on that worn-out path of negative thinking only to see it materialize in disharmony around me.  

If I wish for peace, contentment and fellowship with those about me, it begins by shutting the door of my tabernacle to sinful thoughts --  the sugar-coated ones that encourage pride, anger, jealousy, revenge and greed.  Only when that door is barred against the snares our enemy sets before us can peace, understanding and love make entry.

I wish all of you a blessed Easter;  May God hold you in the palm of His hand, granting you strength & victory on that internal battlefield.

Lenten Companion

I mentioned previously about the Life of St. Mary of Egypt being conveniently located in the back of Frederica Mathewes-Green’s book, First Fruits of Prayer: A Forty-Day Journey Through the Canon of St. Andrew. I enjoy this book more every year, working my way through it during Great Lent. My Orthodox friends are most likely familiar with the Canon of St. Andrew, but the great thing about Frederica’s style is that she often appeals to a wider audience, from the reference of her Protestant background.

She writes about the history of the Canon in her introduction and goes on to differentiate between an Eastern view of Christianity and our Western one. She addresses concepts such as sin, theosis (sanctification in the Protestant realm) , the evil one, monasticism, and prayers to the saints -- something very misunderstood to Protestants.

If you are unfamiliar, the Great Canon of St. Andrew of Crete is a prayerful hymn.... a very lengthy one. St. Andrew was born in Damascus and spent many years as a monk in Jerusalem. Later he spent his time caring for orphans and the elderly in Constantinople and toward the end of his years, was made Bishop of Crete. He died in 740 A.D. St. Andrew was inspired to write this hymn during close examination of the Scriptures; many researchers believe this work was originally intended for his personal use. He presents a very intimate look at repentance as a pathway toward healing and wholeness, drawing much encouragment from passages in the Old Testament. As the early Church became aware of this Canon, it began a wide circulation and eventually became used during Lent each year.

I like this book primarily because it is to be ingested in small bits, with each page offering wisdom and insight. It’s perfect for reading after prayers, during a lunch break or just before going to sleep at night -- a healthy soul-food.

St. Mary of Egypt

St. Zosimos taking Holy Communion to St. Mary of Egypt

The life of this great saint is commemorated during Great Lent and as such, I find it fitting to read her story at this time of year. Handily, Frederica Mathewes-Green included the Life of St. Mary in the Appendix of her book, First Fruits of Prayer: A Forty-Day Journey Through the Canon of St. Andrew.

Mary’s life is fascinating and one that inspires us toward repentance and holy living. As her story goes, while in her youth during the sixth century, Mary indulged in sexual perversions, not accepting payment as a prostitute, but readily giving her body up to every kind of sexual experience. “I held in honor every outrage to nature” she tells the priest Zosimas, who finds her many years later living in the desert outside of Jerusalem.

As her youthful experience continues, she learned of a boat sailing to Jerusalem to attend the Exaltation of the Holy Cross (the cross St. Helena had uncovered in the 4th century) and offered her body as payment for taking her aboard. Upon arrival, a crowd fell upon the Church of the Holy Sepulchre and Mary joined them.

As Mary made her way through the throng, she tried repeatedly to enter the church, but an invisible force prevented her from crossing the threshold. Exhausted from her efforts, she removed herself to a small corner where she says, “little by little I began to understand the reason why I was being prevented from looking upon the life-bearing cross of the Lord. The word of salvation gently touched my heart, and revealed to me that it was my unclean life which barred the entrance to me.”

Shame gripped Mary and in humility, she repented of her sinful life and prayed that she might be able to enter the church, promising afterward to renounce worldly temptations and follow where God would lead her.

This is how she came to dwell in the desert beyond the Jordan river. For 47 years she lived as an ascetic, overcoming her passions and being blessed with Divine gifts. Zosimas was astonished to meet her, recognizing he was in the presence of a saint by her gift of clairvoyance and seeing her levitate during lengthy prayers.

A full version of her life may be found here or here as recorded by St. Sophronius.

St. Mary of Egypt reminds me in a blessed way that the healing Light of Christ shatters the most depraved spirits. She inspires me toward perseverance, knowing that her struggles against sinful desires were overcome. It took many years, but she did not give up, she did not give in... she ran the race well and kept the faith.

Anomalies: Looking toward Great Lent

Back in the day, as I was going through my college anatomy & physiology courses, one element in particular kept coming to the forefront in these and related classes: identifying “normal” structures. As a dental hygiene student, we had many classes associated with head & neck anatomy, the oral cavity and of course, tooth composition. In fact, we received so much instruction on “normal” tooth composition and function that even as I slept at night, my dreams were filled with visions of teeth!

It wasn’t obvious until our clinical work just how valuable this repetitive training was. By learning -thoroughly- what is “normal” ,when an anomaly does occur, it’s identified immediately.

Maybe fasting is not so unlike this training... maybe fasting provides a clear vision as to what is “normal” according to God, thereby equipping us to immediately recognize the stain of sin on our souls.

As we Orthodox Christians prepare for the Great Fast, the 40 days prior to Pascha (Easter), my thoughts have been inward, thinking about my own challenge during this time of spiritual renewal, increased prayers and almsgiving. It’s no secret that fasting is a challenging aspect of my spiritual life. Even though, at times, I have experienced the spiritual fruit of this practice, each occasion first challenges my attitude followed by my stubborn will. I frequently fail. It’s a climb worth making, but oh how I complain about that first step!

The Church proscribes a strict fast from certain foods (meat, dairy, fish, wine & oil) during Great Lent; personally, I add to these foods “indulgences” in my daily life. Since I am an info-junkie (reading online news, articles, blogs, reviews, music, etc. also facebooking), I’ve realized that my justification ie, being informed on various topics, is really just a selfish excuse. And so, my online time is being reduced this Lenten season, in favor of more time in prayer and reading Holy Scripture.

By eliminating some fluff in my daily life, I pray that my vision will change, that Christ will renew my spirit and prepare my heart for Pascha. That I will recognize sin & temptation as it creeps up in my thoughts and stop justifying my selfishness.

Lord have mercy and grant me self-control!

Awake O Sleeper

As I sit here smelling the sweet Nazareth incense from Holy Cross Monastery, my thoughts are on St. Benedict and his Rule. I’ve written about this mighty saint before, but as we are in Great Lent in the Orthodox Church, I find his counsel most appreciated.

Great Lent is a time of increased fasting, prayer and almsgiving, a lean season that balances on the hope of springtime, renewal, and celebration in our Risen Saviour. I do not just want to go through the motions of Lent, I wish to experience Christ, to know the Pascal mystery in a real and intimate way. And through my efforts I am reminded daily of my weaknesses. I eat too much. I ponder too much and waste time too much. I yearn for discipline and yet, on a whim, will snag a second...or fourth Oreo. And these are just the petty things.

A much larger weak spot is my fear of flying. I joke about myself that I pray more on airplanes than any other time in life, but in truth, it’s a real fear that I have to deal with from time to time and it’s BIG, UGLY and RELENTLESS.  

St. Benedict says to “keep death daily before your eyes” (4.47) which I find an easy course when embarking on a plane, but he also says “Look forward to holy Easter with joy and spiritual longing” (49.7) How may I have joy while also contemplating my mortality?

The Christian life is filled with such seemingly contradictory maxims: “ You must lose your life to find it” “Through death, death was destroyed” “By Christ, we are made strong through our weakness” and “Rejoice through suffering, being thankful for our trials”. My quest in reading St. Benedict’s Rule is learning how to live in contradiction, how to be a peaceful pilgrim in this noisy world.

As I face my fear of flying, I realize that I’m led to a place of great vulnerability.  A place I would altogether avoid if circumstances were different. I am awake, attentive to my mortality and roused from a comfortable slumber. I realize how much I desire the mighty wings of God and how illusory is my control in life.

“The promise of the Kingdom is not that we shall escape the hard things, but that we shall be given grace to face them, to enter into them, and to come through them. The promise is not that we shall not be afraid. It is that we need not fear fear.” - Esther de Waal, Living With Contradiction: An Introduction to Benedictine Spirituality

In hindsight, what a blessing to confront this weakness head-on for this is exactly where Christ meets us.  As I continually prayed, “Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner” my thoughts changed from an irrational torrent to a calm river of hope.  Through my vulnerability, living waters flowed ...how can I not embrace these occasions of spiritual growth?