Lesson on Love and Letting Go

Hand woven crosses in our prayer corner

Fr. David, in his final podcast from Afghanistan, enunciated clearly something I’ve thought of writing about for some time:  lessons on love and letting go.   It’s been a painful life lesson, but a necessary one in my spiritual growth and so, I’m thankful for it.  Perhaps now that some time has passed and my perspective is better, it’s worth sharing.

I have learned, in a very intense way, over the past 5 years that I do not love others as I should.  Christ tells us to love others as ourself and to even love our enemies.  But what does that mean exactly?  How easy it is to love those who love us back... and how difficult is it to love those who do not love us in return.  I am speaking of relationships and friendships in particular.  I’m talking about how good it is to share our life with one we trust and confide in, the joy that comes with being understood and nurtured by others’ words and actions.  And the pain that comes when all that ends...abruptly and without explanation.    Maybe you’ve been there. 

Listening to Fr. David this morning and analyzing the events in my own life, I feel as though this lesson has come full circle for me.  I pray it’s one I don’t forget and choose rather to learn from it and grow because of the wisdom within.   In my experience, I learned that I was loving other people, but with strings attached.  I wanted something in return, I wanted to have my needs met, too.  My need for companionship and being heard.  And when they weren’t, I felt hurt and disappointed...and even angry.  And it made me question the motives of my heart: Did I really love and care about this person at all?  Or was it a purely selfish relationship?  Caring just enough so that my own needs were met?

I realized that our feelings can be deceptive and that sometimes God crosses our paths with others for a very specific purpose.  If we have our eyes fixed upon that, upon Him, then we are less deceived by the ever changing currents of our hearts.   When we truly love another person, as Christ intends, there are no strings attached.  It’s selfless and kind...generous and peaceable....expecting nothing in return.  How many of us truly love like that?  I want to love like that...but I know it’s attainable only by the grace of God.  I’m not equipped for it, as I am a very weak vessel.  Through Christ, though, all things are possible.  I have realized the peace that comes on the other side of pain, the clarity that comes with wisdom and of love born from the eternal source of love, Christ Jesus our God.

This lesson, too, has deepened my love for the Prayer of St. Francis, whereby I am encouraged to seek to console rather than being consoled, to understand rather than to be understood.  It’s complete selflessness.  It's loving fully, but lightly...being willing to share and give and comfort and then let go.  It’s having your cup filled with the grace of God so that you have something to give another, not wanting nor expecting anything in return.  

Holy Week...and Jumping off the FB Wheel

I might lament the fact that so many of my brethren are being blessed by church services during Holy Week since I cannot go due to distance and time factors, but such is not the case. God’s blessings & grace come to us in a variety of ways and I am thankful for each of them.

This Lenten season has brought my family closer in many ways; we have strived to keep the fast, to be prayerful and disciplined in asking for spiritual growth and guidance. My husband brought to the dinner table one evening a book he had put together from pages found online -- a study of Proverbs. What a great opportunity this has been for us to use our short time together around the table to delve into God’s Word, to bring our children an understanding of wisdom, knowledge & God’s guidance for our lives.

I will admit that I find keeping the fast quite difficult and so, I do what I can in giving up those things I love to eat or indulge in. One evening recently I was reminded in a profound way of how fasting strengthens our spirit: I had experienced a challenging day, been the recipient of cruel words and struggled to maintain my composure. I felt hurt and emotionally drained. By evening, when I arrived home, I wanted nothing more than to unwind by relaxing on the couch with a good book and glass of wine. But with hubby out-of-town and school the next day, there were chores to do, children who needed help with home-work and bath time and, and.... no time for self-indulgence.

Forsaking my comfortable indulgences, I went to our prayer corner and prayed: “Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me, a sinner. God help me...I feel drained and angry and hurt. I give all this as a sacrifice to you ...for I know that Your strength is made perfect in my weakness. Please help me through this evening... I am tired and have so much else to do. Help me to be a good mother, a peaceful woman... help me to shut the door on anger and walk the high road. Guide me to Thy peace. In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, Amen.”

It may seem trivial, as we all have such days, but it’s no small thing that God restored my spirit in those evening hours. I was given the energy to do all the necessary chores and most blessedly, I was given peace - the kind that passes all understanding - which resulted in reconciliation from the earlier conflict that day. Nothing less than amazing, given my quick temper. It was the grace of God.

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I never consciously decided to give up Facebook. I still have my account and receive messages, but I’ve learned that the longer I stay away, the less inclination I have to return. I view it now more like a Rolodex rather than a social meeting place; it was becoming to me something akin to a personal National Enquirer, a gauntlet to run in order to find the few tid-bits I really wanted to read. I really don’t need the chaos of ads, games, and other voices screaming in the marketplace...I want quiet, mindful stuff. I want to live purposefully and as unplugged as possible. I don’t want to miss the quiet voice of God each day.

That’s what I’m working toward..and by the grace of God, that is what this Lenten season has brought to me. As my life reflects more of the light of Christ, by His mercy, that light will reach others.

Praise God for all things †

A blessed Pascha to all of you dear readers!