Seasons of Dryness

It’s been a while since I’ve visited this space.  It’s been too long since I’ve come home to my words.   So much is going on in my life... as with everyone.  We all have our struggles and triumphs.    Life flows at that rapid pace and it seems like a miracle to enjoy moments of peace.  

It’s no surprise to me that since the beginning of Great Lent, I have felt tested on all sides.  Those who seek Christ are an abomination to satan; his fiery darts are plentiful  toward souls aware of sin.   St. John Climacus said, “Let them take courage who are humbled by their passions.  For even if they fall into every pit and are caught in every snare, when they attain health they will become healers, luminaries, beacons and guides to all, teaching about the forms of every sickness and through their own experience saving those who are about to fall...”  If he’s right, maybe I’ll have something to offer others someday.  That IS an encouraging thought. 

The process of being humbled by passions is really ugly.  It involves violence against the soul and not only the one humbled by such passions, but others in their wake.  Passions are hot and furious and invoke haste which most often leads to folly.  They are my downfall  and yet I’m so slow to recognize and destroy it.  In fact, sin is often welcomed and justified.    Yet, if I don’t have internal peace, am I really free?  Can there be true joy apart from God?  How is it that saints could enter the violence of ancient Roman colosseums singing praises to God, while I - who have so much - can be despondent, lacking joy and contentment?

So far, this Lenten experience has brought a time in the desert for me.  A season of dryness; a glimpse into the abyss of my heart with no reprieve.    A time when I wonder where God is and if He will ever grant mercy and grace to my troubled soul.  I’ve been depressed and angry and frustrated and I realize my complaints are nothing when viewed from a world perspective of what others struggle with --- things like hunger or abuse, persecution & civil war.  And that makes me feel guilty and ridiculous on top of it all.   Who am I to complain about a bump in the road of life when others are just trying to survive?!

Trust & Obedience are the companions pulling me through right now.  When periods of loneliness come, I take heart in Psalm 23,  trusting that God is there as my Shepherd, as He has proven to be so many times in the past.  I’m trusting that this trial is temporary  -and beneficial-  and continuing in my prayers and fasting.  I’m holding onto James 4:8 which tells me to draw near to God and He will draw near to me, realizing that this dynamic relationship with the Creator always involves my humility and repentance.  I'm going with what I know to be Truth, in spite of feelings that tempt to lead me astray. 

A Change of Headlines

I have a tendency to read too much.  I'm an info-junkie at heart, a true nerd who could easily spend a day at a library or book store.  The same is true when online, perusing the headlines of the day and reading way too much for far too many minutes hours.  

As so, it's little surprise that I am once again at a breaking point of overindulging on American media.  

*sigh*

People like me who are Type-A personalities, control-freaks, who rant and rave while pointing fingers at the injustices in this world,  who lay awake at night with thousands of anxious thoughts darting about,  well... Lord have mercy... we need to spend more time in prayer, meditation and reading Holy Scripture or the lives of the saints.

And even though I know this, have even written about it several times on this blog, my enemy still finds a way to probe my weakest points.  

So, I'm putting this out there for anyone else who overindulges on the web and has to unplug from time to time. (And to keep me accountable!)  Starting today, my headlines are changing.

No longer will I be indulging Yahoo's news headlines, the Drudge Report or even clicking on the news stories that my friend's post on Facebook.    My day will begin by reviewing the headlines at

Pravmir.com  and  Orthochristian.com   because my soul needs nourished and my brain needs some peace.

Our media is constant, immediate and sensationalized and with the effect that can have on our emotions , thought process and behavior, the question was put to me, "Is our exposure to all this information normal or natural?"

I don't think there's anything natural or healthy about consuming a steady stream of news that reminds me of how depraved humanity can be.  

God have mercy on me a sinner...Grant me O Lord to discipline my thoughts and guard the images and words that I put into my mind. 

Our Thoughts Determine Our Lives

The Life and Teachings of Elder Thaddeus of Vitovnica:  A book review.  

Soft-cover, 212 pages, including maps and black & white photos. Published by St. Herman of Alaska Brotherhood, 2011

I bought this gem from our friends at Holy Cross Monastery in Wayne, WV, the title catching my attention.   Are my thoughts really that powerful to determine the course of my life?  Surely some are more potent than others?  Who is Elder Thaddeus?

Hooked, I picked up the book to read the back cover and saw this quote:

  “We must bear everything patiently and forgive all.  If we have good thoughts and desires, these thoughts will give us peace and joy in this life and even more so in eternity.  Then we will see that there is no death, that the Lord has vanquished death, and that He has given us eternal life.”  -Elder Thaddeus

I learned that Elder Thaddues was a very respected spiritual mentor and monastic, living in Serbia during the 20th century.   He lived during a time that brought many trials to his life, including imprisonment by the Nazi occupation of Serbia.  Being born in 1914, he witnessed two World Wars and the 1999 NATO bombings.  Remarkably, by the grace of God, Elder Thaddeus remained a pillar of peace, love & hope to his fellow countrymen.  Over the years, many people made a pilgrimage to speak with the Elder, seeking his wise counsel and prayers. 

He passed onto heaven in 2002, but thankfully, his teachings on the spiritual life in Christ have been preserved in this book, compiled by the St. Herman of Alaska Brotherhood;  translated by Ana Smiljanic.

The book is divided into two parts: The Life of Elder Thaddeus and the lengthier second part, The Teachings of Elder Thaddeus.

I have discovered this work to be fascinating in it’s simplicity and profundity.  Isn’t it often true that when we discover a “new” concept, we often remark, “Of course!  Why didn’t I see it before?”  The prince of this world, however, is King of distraction and making our paths crooked.  Praise God, through the work and living witness of his saints, those paths are made straight.  Elder Thaddeus has given to me, through his teachings, a greater awareness and goal.  That goal is to master my thoughts and to realize how they affect my actions.

Photo by Goran Veljkovic

For example, in one account from his life, he was speaking with a woman who came to him in order to ask why her neighbor hated her so much and treated her badly.  She claimed she had done nothing wrong, but this neighbor was always giving her grief.  Elder Thaddeus then asked her, “Why are you always quarreling with your neighbor?”  And the woman replied that she had not so much as uttered a word to her evil neighbor.  But the Elder insisted that she was waging war with her neighbor because she was always thinking about her and anxious about her next move.  He instructed her to turn her thoughts to prayer for this neighbor and the issue would end in peace. (pg. 70)

Reading this account was a light-bulb moment for me.  How many times have I “waged war” with someone, including my loved ones (!) in my mind?  How much negative energy have I generated because of a perceived wrong?  Even more, how often do I  approach an issue with a negative mindset?   Why do I expect good results in resolving a conflict if I cannot even master my cynical thoughts about this person?

If you’ve read much on my blog, you’ll know that one of my many sins is having a quick temper;  a short fuse.  It’s a sin because it can cause me to act with haste which leads me to regret my words and actions.  I’m at a point in my life where I’m seeking peace, not just externally, but internally.  It’s a battle for me to keep the doors closed when anger wants to barge through... but at least I have a goal that keeps me moving in the right direction.

I know what I want.  I want to be a wellspring of peace and joy, most especially to my household.  I know that I enjoy being in the company of peaceful, wise souls.  By the grace of God, maybe He will help me to be that sort of person to others someday.   Elder Thaddeus said, “A spring of clean water attracts the unclean and the thirsty, who hasten to bathe themselves in it and drink from it.”   This is food that nourishes my soul;  if I desire to share the love of Christ, it is in becoming a woman of peace that so touches and ministers to another.  

Elder Thaddeus’ teachings have given me a greater awareness of how my thoughts dictate actions, for good or ill.  And how God will aid us when we have a desire to control our thoughts and be victorious in that battle of the mind.

Our Thoughts Determine Our Lives is a book I recommend for anyone aged 14 years and beyond.  It’s pure spiritual nourishment : )

To God be the glory for all things †

Resting in the Shadow of the Cross

These past few weeks have been busy ones and I have found little time to indulge my thoughts here. Interesting though, how my desire to write is intensified by the time spent apart from it. For me, writing is therapeutic and often helps to sort out issues and focus on the essentials in the Christian life.  Nothing could be truer of this week in particular.

Our son is away for his first experience of church camp and I have had restless moments, wondering if he is having a good time, resting well, making new friends, etc...the list goes on.  My son has often said that I'm overprotective and I can see that he's right... it has been hard to let go this week and completely trust his well being to others.  It's a test of my faith.  How much do I really trust God?

Last night I was struggling, unable to sleep and plagued with anxious thoughts.  I went to my prayer corner, before our icons of Jesus Christ and the Theotokos, lit the candle and wept.  I recalled the words of Fr. Seraphim, from Holy Cross Monastery, who reminds me that it is humility that defeats the snares of satan.  Our enemy knows our weaknesses and will attack us at every turn through those vulnerabilities.  

And so, my prayer was the Jesus Prayer,   "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner"  with prostrations, for satan & his minions cannot bear the true worship of God.  As I signed the cross and sat on the floor watching the flickering flame, peace came.   

"You know, you hold Truth in your hand when you sign the cross" Fr. Seraphim has told me.  By placing your three fingers together you proclaim the Holy Trinity and the last two fingers resting against your palm signify that Christ is both fully God and fully man.  Sometimes this signing of the cross is my prayer ...when I cannot think of words to say, I can rest in the shadow of the glory of the cross.  

As Fr. Peter Gillquist writes in his book, Becoming Orthodox, "...the cross is more than a symbol for earthly decor;  it is a weapon of peace that sets us free from being slaves to sin, death and the devil."   

A mighty weapon indeed. 

The Path of Circumstance & Healing

“...we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance;  and perseverance, proven charter;  and proven character, hope...” from Romans 5:3,4

How beautiful is the path that strips away our facade and shines a light on what is real in us.  But truly, how many willingly choose this path?!  None of us want to relinquish our comforts, our secure beliefs and relationships and yet, for all of us, there comes a time when all that feels safe and right, is shattered.   It may come through the loss of a loved one, a betrayal by someone at work, a severed relationship...life deals some tough blows.  Where do we go to re-group and find strength... and peace?

The church had been a comfort in the past, as it was a place to learn about God’s Word, to be inspired by a moving sermon, to be with kindred minds and hearts.  But these were the days when my husband & I found ourselves in a very loving Methodist Church, but sadly, it was also void of growth and more importantly for me, ....children.  Since our two little ones were the only children in the congregation, that meant there was no sunday school and no one to watch our baby & toddler during morning worship.  Hubby & I took turns entertaining them downstairs in what used to be a lively nursery.  After a few years of this, I was weary and frequently frustrated,: Why am I even going to church?  I don’t get anything out of it anymore!  

This unrest and developing apathy toward church life coincided with a season of private emotional pain for me.  I wondered why God was giving me so much to carry.  I wondered if God even heard my prayers and pleas....I wondered if I was losing my mind.  There may be a time to write more on this dark chapter, but not now.  It’s enough to share the remarkable lessons learned through brokenness. 

I believe every christian goes through dark valleys where the sun seems very distant and pale...”time in the desert” I call it.  What took me many years to learn though, is that these places afford doorways to growth that you cannot find elsewhere and so, I am thankful for the desert.

One such doorway discovered was concealed with vines and dense brush, the evidence of pride and self-righteousness.  The thick growth was not removed slowly, bit by bit, but was obliterated in moments by a truthful word.  It came through a counseling session.  My counselor pinpointed a vice in me that proved to be transforming.  After listening to me for a time, he replied with two simple words:  “You’re jealous”.  Those little words, what may seem so little and trivial, became the beginning of a flood that washed away the walls I had built to preserve my “justified, righteous anger”.

It’s no fun looking at the raw deal - to catch a glimpse of your heart as it truly is- and yet, without doing so, there is no hope for spiritual growth.  Unless we recognize our sins, how is it that we can overcome them?  Oddly enough, it was also during these counseling sessions with a Baptist minister that I came to understand the vital link between confessing our sins and being healed of them.  In voicing our faults, our sins, in the presence of another is to know shame and to be accountable for it.  When we confess to God alone, in our private times, we cannot understand the full impact our sins have within the Body of Christ.  This is one reason we are told to confess to one another. (James 5:16)

This path of pain and spiritual awakening slowly merged with my reading of the ancient Celts, of Saints Columba and Patrick, with my study of church history.  I devoured books, seeking an answer to my foremost questions, “How can I find peace in troubled waters?  How can I be healed of emotional pain?”

My paradigm began to shift....the church, as I had always know it, was a resource for learning and evangelizing.  Now, I was looking to the church as a hospital.  I wanted to be healed, I longed for true worship - whatever THAT meant - that left me with a peaceful heart rather than critiquing the pastor’s sermon.  I wanted to find a place where the sanctuary was regarded as a sacred space rather than a social gathering room.  I wanted to get away from all distraction in worship and realize the heart of it...I wanted to be lost in prayer and thanksgiving.  I wanted to receive the Lord’s Supper each and every time I entered God’s beautiful house.   I was seeking the faith of the Apostles, of St. Patrick and Columba, knowing that I would find “home” when I found the roots of the church.

“Thus says the Lord, Stand by the ways and see and ask for the ancient paths, where the good way is, and walk in it; And you will find rest for your souls.” Jeremiah 6:16

*These few entries touch the surface of how I came to the door of the Orthodox Church.  For anyone interested in reading my earlier ramblings and disjointed thoughts, you can do so here.

It’s not a short response, but now, when someone wants a quick answer to, “So, why are you Orthodox now?”  I’ll just hand them a card with my blog address on it =-)

Modern Heroes

Reading the Saturday mail, I noted some interesting facts as pertaining to Afghanistan.  It was only a small paragraph, certainly not something you’d ever find on the front page of the liberal Gazette:

-Afghanistan has held two peaceful elections, with women casting 40% of the vote.

-In 2001, only 8 percent of Afghans had access to health care; now 82% do

-Polio inoculations have risen from 35%  of the pop. two years ago to 95%

-The child mortality rate has dropped 25%

...and 

The number of children enrolled in school has risen from 900,000 under the Taliban to 5 MILLION today including 2 million GIRLS.

This is why wars are fought.  This is why loyalty to the sanctity of human life will always prevail.   It is the Truth of the Divine in us that keeps men sane, for in the end, the only true strength in this life resides in virtue.  Men can stand on integrity, self-control, honesty, and Truth but may die a thousand deaths from betrayal of conscience. 

“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it”.  St. John said that.  It’s one of my favorite verses from the Bible because it is a daily reminder that no matter how vile, no matter how dark the valleys, the Light will always prevail.   That Light is in every one of us who profess belief in Christ as Lord and Saviour of Life.  We are the hands and feet of God.  It is us who take that Light into the dark places of the world.

One such light I came to know about several years ago: Greg Mortenson, an American and co-founder of the Central Asia Institute.  He is also the author of the best-selling, Three Cups of Tea about his remarkable journey to build schools in northern Pakistan and Afghanistan.  As quoted from his website (photos are also from his website) :

“As of 2007, Central Asia Institute has successfully established 58 schools in Pakistan and Afghanistan, which provide (or have provided) education to over 24,000, with a emphasis on girls' education. A few additional projects are in Mongolia (rural health education) and Kyrgyzstan (teacher training scholarships).”

He is a hero; he understands the heart of war with a deftness that I perceive little of in the brash political arena.  Mr. Mortenson has been unafraid to take on the battle at the front-lines for 15 years now, arming children and communities with the power of literacy, health care, education, conservation.  He understands the connection between valuing and nurturing life and long term peace.

My hat is off to our men & women in the U.S military who must battle not only with reckless hate from our enemies, but the weak media machine that perceives so little of Truth.   And thank you, Greg Mortenson and the Central Asia Institute, for working to promote peace by touching the heart of new generations in a war zone.